Other Sports Roster

The days of multi-sport athletes have probably drawn to a close with the growing monetary commitments teams are dishing out these days. Some of these eye-popping contracts even include guaranteed money decades into the future (like Bobby Bonilla), or weight clauses (like Curt Schilling and Carlos Lee). If teams are willing to protect their long-term investments with clauses about health, it seems unlikely that they'd consider endorsing potentially harmful activities (like another professional sport). But, if we were to pretend these investors were simply fans, and they'd like to witness the totality of an athlete's abilities, we could put together a pretty impressive list of potential ballplayers.

We could. 

So we did:

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Peyton Manning, C

Imagine seeing that coming down the 3rd base line

Peyton already makes the calls. He looks like he's doing a Lewis Black impersonation at the line of scrimmage, so calling pitches and dissecting tendencies would come naturally to the former MVP. I think it's probably safe to say that no one would run on the guy, due to his deadly accurate, laser-rocket arm. Plus he'd be an immediate clubhouse leader. And imagine the marketing possibilities!

-KyleDrenon

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Tiger Woods, 1B

Sweet bat flip, Tiger

There might not be a more picturesque physical movement in all of sports than Tiger's swing. Not to mention the immense amount of power he can deliver. He once drove a ball 425 yards at Kapalua. Bad knees would keep him at first, but his hand eye coordination could lead to some great digs and DP balls. He also be a great guy for base runners to chat up. Just don't ask him about Elin. 
-KyleDrenon

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Lionel Messi, 2B

Lionel Zoolander

Messi reminds me of Dustin Pedroia. He could probably swipe 30 bags once he got down the ins & outs of base running. And he's a master craftsman when it comes to athletic precision. His scrappiness would play well on the diamond too. Opposing pitchers would grow to hate him as his shrewd soccer mentality would probably lead to a killer OBP. ¡Exhibición de láser!
-TylerDrenon

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Rafael Nadal, SS

Rafa, Youkilis grip and all

I think it's safe to assume Rafa could handle the IF dirt considering he is 67-1 on "clay" courts in his career. Should aid him on the paths too. He's fast and has some absolutely world class quick twitchiness. Obviously the "bats" are a little different, but tracking an Andy Roddick serve @ 150 MPH would seem to helpful at the dish. Think of the bat speed...and all the uniform accessories.

-TylerDrenon

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J.J. Watt, 3B

Greinke wouldn't hit this dude

Yeah, sure, we all know that J.J. Watt is a freak athlete. So it seems obvious, but it goes deeper than that. Taking batting practice with the Astros (which, yeah, usually other teams are taking batting practice against the Astros *rimshot*), Watt still took five out of the stadium. Looking his seemingly infinite wingspan, it would only make sense that if he gets extension and turns on a ball, it will take a ride.

But, what makes Watt so intriguing for me is his suddenness and quickness in tight spaces. With his explosiveness, he could really guard the line at third against some hot-hit line drives. Plus, in the same Astros pregame, Watt touched 73 on the gun. Considering he is not exactly training for baseball, that's a cannon-in-training, once he trades his cleats for spikes. And throw him across the diamond in a pinch, and those long arms have Watt stretching further for balls on slow rolling infield hits. He has great balance and knows the intricacies of hand placement in football, and that all adds up to a solid corner infielder.

-ShawnMaher, Stripe Hype

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Calvin Johnson, LF

Sabermegatronics

In the same vein, Megatron is one of the most physically gifted players in the NFL. In the outfield, Johnson would have no peers in his ability to hunt down flyballs. Hell, even Shaun Hill looked like a decent quarterback just by throwing jump balls up to Megatron and letting him track them down. And, his ability to high point the ball and make plays in the air are going to make for a regular spot on the Sportscenter highlights catching balls at the fence.

And Watt is not the only player to take one yard in batting practice. Johnson took one deep with the Tigs, himself, and his obvious hand-eye coordination could add up to a fairly decent hitter. Plus, with his long speed, he's definitely a candidate to score from first when many wouldn't.

-ShawnMaher, Stripe Hype

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Chris Paul, CF 

Apparently, the Dodgers have already signed most of the Paul family

The perfect hypothetical leadoff man. Paul is usually around the top of the NBA in steals and with his speed and savvy, he'd likely do the same in baseball. His speed would play well in center, too. Also, with his propensity for dime dropping, you've gotta think he'd be up there in outfield assists on yearly basis.

 -KyleDrenon

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Rob Gronkowski, RF

Doesn't even really need a mitt, does he?

A lumbering right fielder with surprisingly soft hands and speed, Gronkowski is a legit 30 HR threat every year, at least when he can stay healthy. He plays the game hard, constantly barreling over catchers and diving for fly balls, so he can rarely find his way past 120 games a season. But when he does, Gronk, like Wolverine, is the best at what he does.
-MichaelClair, Old Time Family Baseball

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Michael Phelps, SP

I think it's loose now, freak

With the proper mechanics, Phelps could end up looking like Chris Sale from the right side. And his entire body appears to be made of vulcanized rubber. His tendons are surely as snappy as his goggle straps, which could allow him to lead with his elbow at absurd angles. His graceful athleticism could translate into a velvety motion on the hill. Long limbs (6'7" wingspan) and lean muscle, could make his stride and release point dangerous elements of his approach to the plate. Just don't let him party with Yovani Gallardo on his off days.

-TylerDrenon

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Drew Bledsoe, SP

The most accurate likeness of Bledsoe available

Take a player, perhaps football's greatest player, one with a rocket arm, laser vision, canon arm (his other arm), height, strength, and projectability and what do you have: Drew Bledsoe, Starting Pitcher.

While you may think Drew Bledsoe retired to drink wine, reports indicate that Drew Bledsoe's powers were only improving when he left the game, retiring from football to keep from embarrassing everyone else on the field. Were Bledsoe to sign with an MLB team today, I'm pretty sure he would win 35 games and strike out roughly 8,000 batters before Bud Selig begged him to quit. These are all proven facts, by the way.

-MichaelClair, Old Time Family Baseball

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Metta World Peace, CP

Don't ask what's in the bag

In baseball, there's very little room for personalities and/or crazy people. And when one sneaks through, somehow finding himself on a Major League roster, the only open position for them is in the bullpen (aka baseball's Asylum for the Deranged). There, the bullpen coach can properly look over his wards, ensuring that they don't throw too many warm-up pitches and are taking the correct dosage of Seroquel. As long as World Peace is successful at getting outs, he'll have a Major League job. But there's a fine line between that and touring the Atlantic League with an invisible friend. 
-MichaelClair, Old Time Family Baseball

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Steve Nash, 3B/IF

Nash mocking a late night talk show host

Aging, but still with graceful, fluid motions, Nash is the quintessential shortstop shifted off to third to play out his career. Never a power hitter, Nash slashes balls to the gaps and has a high average, even managing to steal a dozen or so bags every year because he's able to easily read what the pitcher and catcher are doing on every pitch. I like to think of him as the Joe Randa of the NBA.

-MichaelClair, Old Time Family Baseball

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Tim Tebow, Utility Infielder

Value Over Replacement Spectacle

Not the most talented guy on the field, and really, has plenty of flaws. But because he "works hard," "plays the game right," and lucked his way into a few victories, is now guaranteed decades of favorable newspaper coverage.

-MichaelClair, Old Time Family Baseball

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Zdeno Chara, C

The ball may just want to get away from this crazy bastard

Chara is a monstrosity. 6'9" 260 or so. If he's catching, his pitcher can work inside with impunity. He also happens to have the NHL record for the fastest slapshot ever recorded at 108.8 MPH, so it's safe to assume he could develop a little pop with the right instruction. He may not be a base stealer, but the athleticism necessary in gliding about on solid ice with two razor blades sticking out of his boots is probably conducive to some serious lower body strength. He's been one of the NHL's longest tenured captains and that could parlay into a solid rapport/command of a pitching staff. And to state the obvious, he is not afraid to brutally biff you right on your stupid face. He would singularly own the the inside of the plate.
-TylerDrenon

Who Hangs Up First?

With trade season only a few months away, we'll take a look at some potential deadline deals. Team needs and records are starting to come into focus. Here, we'll put on our $6,300 General Manager suits on and mull over some hypothetical scenarios. The chances of any of these deals are obviously questionable, and we certainly don't claim to have any exclusive info on front office vacillation. But who doesn't like to play GM?

Rangers: David Price 
Rays: Jurickson Profar, Mike Olt, & Justin Grimm

Price is off to a slow start, but a few rough outings are the equivalent of a piece of spinach in Lisa Bonet's teeth. I think Rangers GM Jon Daniels hangs up. Then picks the phone again really fast, only to hear a dial tone and pretend he never wavered. His club has been able to work Jurickson Profar into the lineup in the past. Profar appears destined to monitor second base in the near future, with Ian Kinsler moving to first or right field. The Anrus-Profar-Kinsler double plays would be sacra-MENTAL!  

The Rays have been claiming to be able to keep Price in the fold. They will surely get some eye-popping offers, and it seems likely that they will try to maximize their return should they fail to re-sign the lefty. They could use Profar and Olt, and you can never have too much pitching. Too bad for Tampa.

Cardinals: Troy Tulowitzki
Rockies: Carlos Martinez, Matt Adams, & Michael Wacha

I'm pretty sure the Rockies' Dan O'Dowd has his secretary screen all calls about Tulo with a standard message for his colleagues. Something like: 

Bros, I just had 20,000 "Tulo is My Homeboy" tee shirts made up. Dude's goin' nowhere. But seriously, keep breaking off those CarGo offers. Hahahahaha. 

The package is outstanding, though. The Rockies are starved for arms and Helton's impending absence is their only considerable hole in the lineup. If you missed it, Wacha tore through Spring Training and his curveball looks almost illegal. The Cards just called Martinez to The Show to help their woebegone bullpen. He projects as a starter in the long run and his fastball touches triple digits. The Rocks could really use these guys, but Tulo is arguably the best player in baseball, when he's out there...in fact, his injury history is probably the only reason he has ever been the subject of fan trade speculation. 

Angels: Matt Garza 
Cubs: Kaleb Cowart & Nick Maronde

As it stands right now, the Angels' staff appears to be mangy enough to consider this trade. In the end, this price may be too steep for a partial season of Garza and his tweaky lat. The Angels are going to need some cheap players as a few of their prizes from free agency get more expensive.  

You may not have heard much on these two, but they are actually the Angels top 2 prospects, according to John Sickels. Maronde, a lefty, may well end up in the bullpen, but he's the closest thing to a tradable pitching prospect in their system. Cowart is set to supplant Alberto Callaspo at third, and he may be ready soon. One could only imagine he would be an option to take over at the hot corner for the Cubs in 2014, should such a trade take place.

Angels GM Jerry Di Poto seems unlikely to pick the scab his trade for Zack Greinke is becoming. Greinke ended up simply moving across town, while Jean Segura has begun to show why he was regarded highly enough to help bring Greinke to LA in the first place. Di Poto also traded a pitcher (Johnny Hellweg) that would be incredibly useful for the Halos right now. If I were Di Poto, I'd be a little gun-shy about flipping prospects for rentals.

Dodgers: Jimmy Rollins
Phillies: Zach Lee, Chris Reed, & Alex Castellanos

The Dodgers are playing with fire, right? This luxury tax business is no joke, Magic. What's the plan? The Yankees paid $18.9MM in taxes (or approximately one Zack Greinke) for their extravagance. And the 2014 Dodgers are fervidly on pace to approach the payroll record set by the Yanks last year. The Guggenheim Partners can't just buy a World Series. Even the original high rollers needed a significant core of homegrown consistency to get their rings.  

That being said, their inevitable sunken cost may not be dawning with enough imminence to keep GM (and hairdryer enthusiast) Ned Colleti from pulling the trigger on a Rollins seduction (he can veto any trade due to 10-and-5 rights). If LA can hang in the race, they could benefit tremendously from Rollins' skill-set and October seasoning. J-Roll is actually a bargain at $11MM a year through 2014 with a vesting option based on PAs, but the Dodgers haven't left themselves much wiggle room. This trade would also relegate Dee Gordon to a more suitable role: pinch runner. 

The Phillies would have to consider this deal as well. Their core is well past its prime, and they're a pretty pricey luxury for a non-contender. Philly's system has some decent girth to it, but it gets pretty skinny at the top, like Christina Hendricks upside-down. Lee is the Dodgers' best farm arm. They've been hyping him to be more than he probably will be, but the Phils need to start socking away for their next run. Though in the end, Reed and Castellanos may not be enough to tip the scales in favor of the Phillies parting ways with their longtime, front-page darling.

Rangers: Giancarlo Stanton
Marlins: Jurickson Profar, Mike Olt, & Justin Grimm

The Rangers have gone on record as saying they'll move Profar in a heartbeat, if the right deal comes along. This one might induce some pretty resounding palpitations for GM Jon Daniels. The prospect of attaining a 40-dinger bat in the Ballpark at Arlington is too enticing for Daniels to flatly shut down. Miami GM Mike Hill might not be as excited. Stanton is the only billable player left on the Marlin roster. He's still very young, and while his team is strikingly terrible right now, the horizon has a somewhat promising glint, and Stanton could be a huge part of it. If anyone were to hang up, it'd be Hill first. Whether or not he'd call back after his team takes a few more lumps is up for debate.

Yankees: Chase Headley
Padres: Ty Hensley, Brett Marshall, & Mason Williams

Josh Byrnes has been looking into keeping Headley in San Diego recently, but if the two sides can't find a middle ground, they may ship him off before his impending free agency. Byrnes has pulled the trigger on some young for younger deals in the past, swapping Mat Latos for Yasmani Grandal and Yonder Alonso in 2011, so a Headley trade isn't out of the question, no matter how much they like him.

Byrnes would have to at least consider a Yankees' package built around one of their top OF prospects. Williams is a projectable lead off man with plus D in center fielder that could wreak havoc on would-be gappers in Petco. But, he may not be enough to pry The Head away from San Diego. Hensley could be a mid rotation starter in the future with his hammer curve, and Marshall, a fastball-slider pitcher, could work into a fourth or fifth spot if he doesn't end up in the 'pen.

Byrnes wouldn't slam the receiver down, but it seems like he'd be first.

Brewers: Justin Morneau
Twins: Hiram Burgos & Caleb Gindl

Morneau has made it clear that he intends to test the market next winter, which makes a deal more likely. Making it less likely is the $14MM salary Morneau carries with him. And the fact that one more good shot on a takeout slide could turn his brain into a permanent jelly. No team is crazy enough to take on that kind of money outright, so the Twins would almost certainly be stuck with part of the bill, which seems to hurt his value pretty significantly. Terry Ryan was the GM when Morneau was healthy and probably has enough of a soft spot for him to turn this deal down, now that he's back in the saddle. And maybe he'd be able to bring that loyalty up at the negotiating table in an effort to garner a hometown discount.

Royals: Ben Zobrist
Rays: Yordano Ventura, Christian Colon & Miguel Almonte

Andrew Friedman and Dayton Moore have a pretty conspicuous recent history, one which probably has Friedman thinking he'll have trouble getting ahold of the Royals GM, what with the avalanche of criticism that followed their deal from the Winter Meetings. There, Moore didn't hang up until after he shipped off Wil Myers. The All In deal doesn't look as bad now that James Shields is fathering a brilliant early season run, but the longview looks tilted toward the Rays. 

Zobrist is loved by regulars at the Trop and they would hate to see him go. His versatility makes him one of baseball's most under-appreciated stars. Tampa might be inclined to exercise their 2014 option rather than reuniting him with Shields in KC, but the return is a good one in this scenario. Ventura looks to be capable of harnessing the devil's own inferno with his right arm, and Colon's bat is apparently for real, though not otherworldly. Stranger things have happened. Recently. To these teams.

The Worst Fake Trade Since Judas Iscariot's

Why is my keyboard wet, as if it were burdened with the dewy tears of a thousand sobbing bastards?

I just traded Jean Segura. 

La Chasse Au Papillons, by Jean-François Segura

And no, unfortunately, I'm not referring to the surrealist painter that appears to be startlingly inspired by hats. That's Jean-François Segura. A mistake that will likely occur more increasingly as the shortstop Segura slowly reaches unquestionable greatness as well. 

As far as the painting goes, notice the subtle smile on the subject's face. My interpretation is that the artist intended to imply a knowing aura therein. It's as if she knows she is hosting a budding star somewhere in the future, while also entertaining a frolicking butterfly expedition in her present. The setting has a disjointed duality. In what looks to be the original background, a hazy, pastel wonderland stretches out below the clouds. This world is seemingly uprooted in disc form and laid on a banal transcript of some kind.

Provocative...

Jean Carlos Enrique Segura

Segura recorded three hits and three stolen bases the very day he abandoned me. He also homered off of Jeff Locke in his next game. He's blistering his competition in the batter's box and on the base paths. He also seems to be fielding his position well and the Angels are surely hurting worse than those who merely pretended to trade him.

The Brewers new shortstop has propelled himself into the most elite tier of fantasy stars. He already has 13 steals. That's the most in baseball. And being sandwiched between Nori Aoki and Ryan Braun doesn't hurt his future chances at driving in and scoring many more runs. His skipper is giving him a light as green as the grasses of every hat ever painted by the Segura namesake.

I thought I was selling high!

The Crew has already approached Jean's people about a long-term extension, but it's way too early to tell if Segura will haunt my flimsy sensibilities for the rest of the make-believe season, but he's off to a hell of a start and appears to be headed for an incredible year.


After seeing the early returns of my blunder, I quickly deferred to an expert. He was kind enough to respond in a manner that quenched my thirst for approval:

@the_doubleday I think he's more .280 10/30 true talent
— Eno Sarris (@enosarris) May 14, 2013

His minor league numbers hint at some serious regression in the power surge he's experienced at Miller.  He homered just 26 times in 399 MiLB games. But he did steal a base every three games or so. 50 would be insane, but it may not be impossible. Probably 30-40 SBs, but man, that's excellent for a guy almost no one invested heavily in out of the gate. Especially if he can keep hitting at a .300+ clip, which isn't an aberration from his career tendencies. His BABIP is about 50 points higher than his habit of .344.

If you traded Segura too, don't worry too much. Because it isn't real. Except for you, Di Poto.

Manuel vs. Maddon

A Managerial Rematch of the 2008 World Series as Sophomorically Likened to David Harvey's Proposed Opposition of Tendencies in Capitalist Society

 MANUEL                                MADDON

Charlie Manuel will be taking on the cozy role of Fordist modernity, while Rays skipper Joe Maddon will conversely represent flexible postmodernity. The origin designation fits Manuel well, as he may have been present at the first assembly lines. Just as language games seems to exemplify Maddon. The Rays may apply the master code epithet to Yunel Escobar, just to truly show us that this argument is all but dead (and more importantly, so his idiolect/idiocy is on a leash). But, otherwise, the aspects are further polarized. Here's another list, baseball-ized:

Baseballized Social Decadence

David Harvey's "opposition of tendencies" appears in his book, The Condition of Postmodernity. He has peddled this kind of thing at Johns Hopkins and Oxford. He was really into this stuff about 25 years ago, and you can bet he wouldn't trivialize the pithy totality of such a subject by absolutely dichotomizing the world into Fordism and postmodernism. And a Maddon-Manuel dialectic certainly isn't intended to envelope the whole of MLB management, nor does it attempt to identify any kind of "winner" the way the series did. 

What this exercise does accomplish is a binary of stereotypes, twisting at the quaint amusement of myself and David Harvey. Of course, I can only assume Harvey would be amused, unless of course, he's a humorless old horse's ass that doesn't know what the hell he's even thinking about. 

This kind of ethos skirmish appears regularly on a certain MLB Network program. And at the moment, it's a program with a title I refuse to attempt to remember. The two convictions represented there are dramatized to grease the gears of the smooth bait-and-switch advertising hippodrome there to distract you from your flagrant uselessness. Here, the argument is pale, and very boring, in that it is less polemics and more juxtaposition. Plus, it's just regular boring. But it may appeal to a small audience that prefers not to be goaded into having their vital fluids scald ulcers throughout their internal passageways. Instead, this is a look at similar emanations rising from a common impetus, a toe in the water of analytics or reckless abandon, and the possible cinematic inclinations of these two icons of the (post)modern age of baseball. 

Starting Strong

Are these fast starts sustainable?

hisashiIWAKUMA, Mariners 

Now in his second year in the bigs, Hisashi Iwakuma seems to have found his groove. The Japanese import can credit most his early success to an increased K/9 and an incredibly low BABIP. His splitter is the culprit for many of his third strikes this year. In 2012, Iwakuma leaned more heavily on the splitter to induce ground balls and this year he's mixed his pitches enough to turn those grounders into Ks.

His BABIP will likely see a steady increase, but his penchant for inducing those ground balls bodes well for his ERA in this campaign. Even with a few figures flaking off his monster K rate, Iwakuma could still be really effective if he continues the pinpoint command of his best pitch.


VERDICT: Sustainable


johnBUCK, Mets

Buck's power surge has been an early season buzz topic around the league. He's already gaining on last seasons power numbers in the first few days of May. The problem is, HRs are the only true improvement to his game thus far.

John Buck has a below average K/BB rate (5/22) to go along with a leveling ba (.265). His career arc suggests a further decline in base hits and an alarming avalanche in the power department. Buck is currently up nearly 200 points in ISO power over last year and about 160 points over his career average. Every advanced metric available is screaming for a huge power dip, much like the early season efforts of Chris Shelton back in '05.

VERDICT: Unsustainable


chrisDAVIS, Orioles

We've seen this movie before. In 2008, Chris Davis burst onto the scene in Arlington, posting 17 HR 55 RBI and a .285 avg in half a season.  He also struck out in nearly a third of his ABs. He went on hiatus for a couple of years and got shipped to Baltimore where he struggled though 31 games in 2011. Then came Buck Showalter. The former Yankee skipper gave Davis a crack at the starting 1B job and Davis responded. In 2012, his power came to fruition and he also saw a nice bump in BA thanks to Showalters guidance. Davis still had a paltry .326 OBP and struck out a ton, but he was more like the 2008 version of himself than ever.

His numbers this year are stellar as well. Davis' OBP and AVG will surely decrease over time, but maybe not as much as his lofty BABIP would indicate. His hitting pedigree is solid, a .318 minor league BA, and his walk rate is improving. If Davis can maintain his above average line drive percentage (3% higher than MLB avg), his BABIP probably won't have as much of an impact in the future.

VERDICT: Sustainable, after his average drops


starlingMARTE, Pirates

Seems like he's been around a while, but this is Starling Marte's first chance at an everyday job. The marginal power, blazing speed and good hitting eye are all for real. His minor league résumé checks out and he could be a star in LF for the Pirates.

Like Buck, Marte is experiencing a BABIP spike at .412. His LD% and contact rate are both settled in around the league average. This would seem to suggest a fairly sharp decline in batting average in the next few months. It's a good thing he's already up in the .320s before the drop off. We could be looking at a Carl Crawford-type of player. Circa 2010, of course.

VERDICT: Sustainable

nateMcLOUTH, Orioles

Nate McLouth is doing his best impression of his 2008 self, when he hit a career high .276 went 20-20 and drove in 94 runs.  While the power hasn't gone on full display in the first two months, everything else is on the mantle. McLouth's 15/9 BB/K ratio and his .333 average have him looking like he's peaking for a second time. He's also already stolen ten bases in less than a fifth of the year.

Anyone who has followed the Oriole CFer's career knows he's taken his lumps every year since his 2008 campaign. His career numbers had plateaued at fourth outfielder levels before sporting orange, and the bulk of his stats suggest a regression to the mean. Like Davis, McLouth has improved in Baltimore. There, he has an .807 OPS in 84 games.

Balls in play have bounced the right way to the tune of .347, 60 points higher than his normal rate. His walk rate had seen a five percent increase over his previous three years and his K rate has plummeted. None of these numbers line up with his career arc. He's on pace for 60 SBs & 145 runs and his OPS is about 100 points higher than one might have expected.

VERDICT: Unsustainable at freakish levels, but he could steal 30 bags and score 100 runs


ervinSANTANA, Royals

For a guy who gave up a league leading 39 dingers last year, Ervin Santana is pitching with a great deal of confidence so far in 2013.  After dropping a few stellar years in an otherwise frustrating career in LA, Santana linked up with the Royals. Since crashing the Bible Belt, he's been rapturous. It seems like he's shored up his control, significantly cutting back on walks (he gave out more than 70 each of the past two years), and has found the velocity he had in his 2008 All Star season.

The homers shouldn't be a panic-inducing concern as his HR/FB% more than doubled last year over a steady league average throughout his career. He's basically cleaved that number in half again this year. The real concerns come when you look at his career XBH% and opponents' OBP. He's at almost half his career rate in giving up extra base hits, a common trend for "Magic" that seems likely to even out. He's also almost 130 points under his career rate of base runners allowed.

Santana may have found his stuff, but the Junior Circuit Cy Young is probably out of the question. The upside for him is that a return to his 2011 form (3.38 ERA) isn't totally unrealistic.

VERDICT: Unsustainable, but surprisingly useful

clayBUCHHOLZ, Red Sox

This one is tough. Clay Buchholz has shown that he can be many different guys on the mound. He can be the borderline ace we saw in 2010 (2.33 ERA) and he can be the total mess he was last year (4.56 ERA).

His BABIP isn't too far off from his career mean. He's had two full seasons with a BABIP under .270, so his current .250 rate might only see a slight increase. Right now, Buchholz just won't give hitters anything to drive. His SLG% against is still 60 points under his career best and is destined to rise as teams find ways to prepare for him.

VERDICT: Sustainable, despite a rise in XBHs and HRs

markREYNOLDS, Indians

Mark Reynolds is a destructive man. At the moment, this is a virtue. At least, in the eyes of Clevelanders. He's crushed 11 homers and any chance at a friendship with Jarrod Parker. He recently hit his 11th home run and is slugging .607. He's striking out less than he ever has and making way more contact outside than the strike zone than he probably could've ever imagined (O-Contact %: 2013- 59.3%/ Career- 46%, though this has been a gradual increase on a yearly basis).

The other side of this Reynoldsian carnage is his inability, at times, to put the ball in play. A strike out hurts twofold, because it doesn't even offer much in the way of a productive out. Despite slight improvements in discipline, Reynolds is one of the swing-and-missingest players in the game. He ranks 3rd in swinging strike % since 2008.

VERDICT:  Unsustainable, but if he gets 500 ABs, you can count on about 25-30 more homers

Why Is Jay Bruce Flailing So?

If you invested fantastically in Jay Bruce (like I did), you're probably wondering: What the hell, Jay?

Via Dayton Daily News

Well, he answered some fans the other day, as you probably heard. If you didn't read the tweets, there are some marvelous nuggets-- The First Amendment is cited (presumably to trump the undisclosed gag-order tweets from the pro-fascist community), a Cardinals fan arises to pat St. Louis (but, essentially himself) on the back, and after much unctuosity, the instigant tweets don't even appear. It had to be something pretty special to get him to "flip out," right?

So, really though, what the hell?

Well, here are a few things that may answer that question, one way or another:

• Bruce has as many, or fewer home runs than 6 pitchers in a combined 87 PA. Bruce has 148.
• He's striking out almost exactly as often as Adam Dunn.
• His last 3 wOBAs: .365, .349, & .352.
• His BABIP is .371 in 2013, .294 over his career.
• His OPS (.645) would rank 6th in the Majors...if it were a Slugging %.
• His father is a master plumber living paycheck to paycheck.
• He has the 3rd highest LD% in baseball.
• His HR/FB is 3.6%.
• There are only 12 players who have made less consistent contact in the strike zone.
• He and Chris Carter swing and miss exactly as often.
• He has run the bases worse than Paul Konerko and Ryan Howard.
• Over the last 2 seasons, he has a better ISO than Pujols, Cano, & Votto, amongst others.
• Bruce struck out more often than Colby Rasmus last year.

Bruce is probably just pressing in an attempt to shake a slump. In fact, there's probably no probably about it. You can see it come to rest on his shoulders like an invisible backpack full of encyclopediæ as he drags his bat back to the dugout. And he's riding a bloated BABIP right now, so it could get worse before it gets better. But, you can likely rest assured that he'll find his way back to reshaping baseballs soon enough. And when begins to do so, his steadfast stalwarts will guardedly peek out from under their $60 team-store ponchos, and begin tweeting him sweet nothings into the knee-jerk apparatus of the internet. 

It's no profound statement, but: Buy low if you can. Some of the stats listed above are pretty ominous, but Bruce is in his prime and the season has only just started. Last year, there were pessimistic tremors felt throughout the fantasy world when David Ortiz started slow. There were gut-reaction claims of debilitation and PEDS. And that's not even a very applicable comparison, because Bruce is a generation younger than Ortiz. Both of them appear to be fundamentally in tact. And Bruce will soon return to clubbing pitches out into our fickle little hands.

Selling low on a top 40 player with a track record like his is the equivalent of your curiosity about that new cool ranch taco...don't do it. It'll suck later.

Bud Selig's Successor

Someday, MLB commissioner Bud Selig will resign. He'll box up his things from the baroque Commissioner's office in New York. He'll have an extra glass of Armand de Brignac before he takes one last nap in his MLB-furnished private jet. He'll be headed out to his sprawling Milwaukee manor on a lot roughly the size of Miller Park, where he will hunker over a merlot cherry desk, scrawling his unabridged memoirs by the fuzzy, green light of a single brass desk lamp. The University of Wisconsin will provide him a small pulpit for his musings as his faculties softly drift away, discursively into his past. And, he could end up being worth a half a billion dollars before his waking endurance resigns as well.

But he's publicly claimed this for over five years. He's been pressed to commission on by the owners. And perhaps, that encouragement is the impetus of his multiple retirement announcements. The need for him really is legitimate, though. Of the four major sports, Selig is the most harmless villain at the helm. Yes, he's pulled some rather dogshit machinations in his incumbency. Like that shadowy Expos mess with Jeffery Loria's greasy, little fingerprints all over it. Or the timeliness of the post-strike home run era, followed closely by a Congressional probe and subsequent jurisprudential "concern." But, he's done a good job...

He actually has. It isn't as if being the Commissioner of Major League Baseball is an easy job. Of course, he is essentially working for the owners. And he's enhanced their product immeasurably (grown from a $1.2 billion industry to $8 billion currently, plus unknown future growth). Amongst other things, he inflated the World Baseball Classic, introduced the Wild Card and interleague play, and most importantly, there has been labor peace for almost twenty years. The owners also happen to have no one else to turn to. Jon Heyman of CBS Sports had an unnamed owner tell him, "There isn't a man or woman alive who can get the 24 votes." A three-quarters approval of team owners is required to fill Bud's shoes. The lack of such a person may be due to the absolute singularity of  Selig's goofy effectiveness. No matter how hard he came down on the owners, they could still giggle at his absurd cowlicks and vinegary old mannerisms.

We can all be certain his successor will be a stooge. The owners will want a businessman that will grow revenue and force them to do very little. Naturally. So, some of the names you may have heard in connection to the office are probably a little far-fetched. Especially, elderly "baseball men" like Joe Torre and Tony LaRussa. The closest to the field this person will have been is the press box. But their complimentary scotch might be as old as Torre. Andy MacPhail, Rob Manfred, Sandy Alderson, and others have been mentioned as realistic possibilities.

Selig has said he will play a large role in naming a successor. So, why hasn't he started grooming someone? He could certainly instill some confidence in the owners if he were to endorse a candidate and hint at a Mother Russia-Vlad Putin incubation period. There are some huge issues this person is going to face. Selig has laid some serious groundwork for internationalization that he must not want to see crash and burn. There's the next CBA to consider. And the next commissioner will need to further police the players in the sphere of PEDs. It doesn't matter how many Mayo Clinic superdoctors he has boiling virgin blood in his de Leonian vitality lab, Bud Selig isn't going to be the commissioner forever.

***For a better, though much cheesier version of this story with actual resources- see Jayson Stark's article on ESPN.com (from May 8th).